faith...

Everyday I am learning, as I have probably stated multiple times on this blog. Recently I have clearly seen the power of faith, the power of declaring, detaching myself from the outcome and moving forward. One clear example is my car. When I got back to DC and started my divorce process I got a used VW Jetta. Less than a month after having the car I got into a car accident- my very first car accident. Many people told me to get rid of the car and I immediately decided on my head that that was just something I couldn’t do. I was starting a new job, my credit wasn’t great (although by far better than it is now) and I had no money. The car was repaired and I continued to drive it on an 80 mile daily commute.

Six months later I got into another car accident, when a girl ran a red light. The car was never repaired properly, there were issues with the insurance and continued to keep the car, I have had no AC for years. Last year the car was parked for 5 months and then I had to put more than $2000 worth of repairs - and about $800 per year before. I still kept the car. In the last 9 months it has continued to fall apart, the dashboard looks like a Christmas tree. All this time I have been thinking “there is no way I can get a new car”. A couple of months ago, J was driving the car and put on the emergency brake. Something happened and since then, whenever you drive the car there is an annoying beeping sound. They have not been able to make it go away with out a big investment on my part. I was upset and then I took it as God saying “Giselle, I have tried everything I can think of to make you get rid of this car, I am now sending you the most annoying beeping sound as a reminder that you have to get rid of it. Don’t ask how you are going to get by, don’t worry that your credit is absolutely shot, just let it go” and so I did; and only because God chose the right signal this time.

So I told my great friend that I needed a new car and she replied by saying that she would buy it under her name (WOW!) then I mentioned it to my ex-husband and he offered to buy it too. A few weeks later he offered to give me his current car (2008 Volvo) because he doesn’t use while he’s working. I accepted and just flew down to Miami this weekend to pick it up _ needless to say it is great and probably up there as the best car I have ever had. I got offers from people to drive it up but I had to pay the ticket and it’s still an investment going down and gas. Then a friend calls me out of the blue, that she wants to go because she needs a few days off and will drive back with me (she saves herself the money for the ticket) and boom, it’s set. In fact I bought our tickets 3 weeks ahead and it’s probably the first time I buy tickets 3 weeks in advance to anything in my life. I also got to spend time with lovely girlfriends and have a great time!!

It all came together and I am just amazed at how when we are faced with challenges and we don’t react but just faithfully accept that this too shall pass and it all will be solved – we are delivered with beautiful miracles.

tan corto el amor, tan largo el olvido...

"love was so short, so long the goodbye"
It hasn't been easy. There have been moments of intense longing but there has always been the knowing that going back will take me back to a place where I just wasn't happy anymore.


He has made it easy because despite of professing his love so much he has done nothing. He has withdrawn almost completely and sends text messages like an old friend. I think he was feeling pressured by my expectations and not having lo live up to them and be able to do whatever he wants, just makes him feel better and happier. It's sad because there are people that do not have his well being in their best interest and just want to have fun and will go along and provide support to what ever crazy thing he wants. As long as he continues to be funny and a source of entertainment and he doesn't see that.


I know I can't see him anytime soon. I would fall back into this game all over again. I know I have to maybe go cold turkey. I know I feel better, talking myself through this time, being patient with myself. Letting go of any type of expectation...


I am hoping to start therapy soon, I think I keep repeating certain patterns and I want to identify where they come from.


Back in the spring I had said that I would give this relationship until the end of the summer...and with out me doing anything it just fell apart on its own. Talk about the power of declarations.

now

words calm my soul
they quiet my aching heart
they reach out to you now that you are gone

i know you are hurting
i know you miss my voice
i know you feel ready to say goodbye

we've never been on this road before
where love does not seem to paint our world
we might reunite to walk together once again

or we might have reached the end of our road

the road I have chosen...a world of possibilities

Many times I go back to old posts to remind myself of different times in my life and to remind myself of decisions I had taken.

What I wrote last week has happened and once again he didn't do the work and he left me waiting. I was terribly sad, one part of me wanting to react horribly and punish him somehow for making me ache. Another part of me was just watching the whole time. I wanted to cry all day because I felt so helpless, because I felt it all slipping away.

I have held unto relationships longer than I should before, I have lived through endings and know what it feels like. I know I hold on until the pain of staying gets bigger than the pain of letting him go. And so that is where I find myself now. I hope I am not a quitter, I know I am a believer and truster (if there is such a word). I believe in surrendering to love and I believe in honesty.

I am through with manipulative love games. I am sick of playing all my 33 years. I want a REAL relationship, one in which I feel I have come home. My coach said that until I am truly available I will keep running into "unavailable" men...maybe it's true. I feel so ready- although I need to take a breather of all this romantic turmoil.

I am not saying that it is all over. I have never said that in any relationship because letting go opens the world to a multitude of possibilities and I still believe in miracles. I guess I just have to wait and see...

blessings

A few weeks ago I wrote some sad words about a moment in my life. There were all true, all full of determination and good intentions then life had other plans... after a business trip that allowed me time on my own and some soul searching more challenges came. My reactions are always the same and then today I received an answer: it had been nearly 3 weeks since I went to Unity and today I went and to my surprise we had a guest speaker. A wonderful coach/minister/musician that taught lessons of self love and was giving a session in the afternoon about relationships. An answer to my prayers!

Normally I never go to afternoon sessions because I have Simone but today I was absolutely available to be there. Just perfect.

It was wonderful, it was funny and it was enlightening. I was reminded that what we see in others is a mirror of ourselves. Even what we hate in others. I was reminded that the only true answer is love. I learned that partnerships are spiritual and that we should (ideally) be with people who want to grow and be willing to do the work. I learned so many other things I can't even bring into words. I spoke to L a bit ago and had so much love for him. I truly want him to be ok and I am willing to be there and not run like I've done in the past. What capacity I will be involved in his life, I don't know but I will be there, if only as a witness. I know I can't do any of the work for him and that him not doing it may just mean the real end to any romantic involvement. I know there is a lesson here for me and if I live it bravely and being present and allowing his true soul to shine through then I have done my job. My soul feels complete. I am not expecting anything from him and that gives me so much peace.

The other relationship in my life, well I learned that for one, your marriage will never work if you have not weaned yourself from your parents (DUHHH...one reason I am divorced now!) Second, that we are just not supposed to live with our parents, it's just not natural. So I will manage this situation with love as well. I was blessed with a whole strategy popping into my brain and I am HAPPY!

I had been upset thinking how all this chaos was going to take place in my life, now I feel like I am really up for the challenge. I can do this with love, presence and acceptance.

So for all those that were worried, thank you. Your words and love are a blessing. I sometimes write more than I should, mostly because it's a therapy for myself. In writing I find healing and answers and there are always challenges in life. The only thing you can control is how much you are willing to suffer over them.

special sunday

Simone was baptized but if you ask her she will say it was her bath-patism. I have no desire to correct her. It was a wonderful and surprising day. We were blessed to share it with some of the people closest to our hearts. Other we missed...

Since a picture is said to be worth a 1000 words (and I am short on time) - I hope these 4 count as a really long post.

Our lovely Maia - Simone's Godmother.

wondering

If he is missing me as much as I am missing him?