Thursday, September 27, 2007

mi lindisimo

He is a clown, a poet, a revolutionary, a dreamer, a "king", a patient and understanding soul...that loves, respects and gives unconditionally. We never question each other for giving too much, he understands Simone goes before him.

He is a sweet soul who came to my life to teach and heal...and he has done a great job!

We don't know what the future holds, yet we do know that when all is love, it never hurts...there is only beauty.

Te quiero mucho mi Lindisimo...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

keep the fold...

Yesterday was my mother's 60th was low key day. Not many people involved, just her kids, grandkids and husband, last night we went all out to dinner at a yummy restaurant. We were having a good time, just enjoying the company when our lovely waitress came to us with some news:

"A very generous man saw you celebrating and decided to cover the bill for you all, he is already gone and just asked for you to keep the fold."

I just sat there in shock, waiting for her to let us know that it was a joke...Pili just started crying, Caro kept asking where the man was, my dad and Ivan where asking random questions, none of us really believing what had just happened.

After a few minutes we made a small prayer blessing that generous man and we all left the evening with full bellies and full hearts because we had received a gift, a lesson of love and a commitment to do something grand and selfless for 3 more people...

I guess that is one of the many ways miracles happen.

Sunday, September 16, 2007


So that was us 4 years ago...and maybe the happiest day we shared as a family. Simone was turning 2 and she can hardly remember it.

Two things have amazed me as an adult, pregnancy/motherhood and divorce. I have never understood how millions of people do this all the time, everyday and no one KNOWS how amazing and miraculous the first one is and how much like dying alive the second one only truly know it until you have gone through both.

The end of a relationship you heal but the end of a family, I am not sure you can. I am a complete non-believer of divorce...I think I surrendered to that reality only when I saw that I was dying even more by staying than by leaving. I guess I chose to be happy and loved, even if it meant my daughter would always be carrying that pain in her heart.

I often wonder if it will ever make sense...if I left when there really was nothing more to do. Many around me would agree that I held out long enough. Nevertheless it kills me when my crying 6 year old asks me if I know that there is always sadness in her heart because her parents aren't together. When she asks what made us think it was OK to separate when she was only 3...or when she tells me, like she did tonight, that when she sees families she feels like that is a club she can't belong to.

I remember telling my ex-husband that as much as I loved my daughter I was only 29 and deserved to be loved and that I would not stay in the marriage for her. I have always been quick to criticize women who would put their children's happiness before there own and who would hold on to a marriage for their I am not so sure. Or maybe is just my ache for my daughter's broken heart that is not allowing me to see clearly. I know as woman that I have to be well in order to be a good mom and to teach my daughter determination and courage and self respect. Maybe she would have been the first to tell me to leave if she had been older...

My heart is full of doubt. I want to give her a family so bad, I would have more kids in a second. I somehow want to know that it was alright, that despite my mistakes and my responsibility for the end of my marriage I made the right choice when I left. That there was nothing else for me to do or give, I had given all of myself to such an extent that I was lost....maybe we were all just too wrong for each other and hanging unto a co-dependent relationship that enlarged our insecurities and fears rather then making us better people. At the same time I feel we owed it to Simone to have figured this out together and transformed ourselves and our relationship to build a home and family for her.

Maybe I will never have the answers, maybe I have always known the answers...maybe I just have to surrender to my story and continue to believe that there is a purpose for everything and that if I hold out long enough, never giving up on my faith and dreams I will experience a miracle larger than the pain I ever went through in the lesson. Now I just have to have the wisdom and love to teach this to my child....

Saturday, September 8, 2007

the art of multitasking

How did I manage to drive (on the highway), close my eyes and take a picture all at the same time...maybe this is proof of my bravery...or NOT!

Friday, September 7, 2007

my teacher...

I know that as parents, it is our job to teach and guide our children but I can honestly say that mine probably teaches me more than I could ever teach her. I am aware of my job to guide her and to teach her patience and survival skills, but this kid is just too much.

I can remember when she was about to turn 1 and all I kept thinking was how people made such a big deal about babies and really a baby only lasts about 10 months because that is the way she was, old and wise. Simone has always been her own person and very independent. She has always been able to hold a utensil perfectly, she has always known how to hold a pencil. She has decided the themes for her birthdays since her second birthday...she can do anything. When her dad and I separated she was only 3, yet she can remember everything and was very aware of what was going on. She is so strong and afraid of almost NOTHING. I look at her and wonder where this fearless bright child came from...

Her second week of school and I got her packet of work she has done, everything was perfect, I kept looking for a good somewhere. Her new project is a yard sale to raise funds for her school and poor kids in Colombia, she has visited our neighbors to make donations, she has theme sign a piece of paper and write what they donated. She wants to make signs and post them up and asked her grandmother to bake cookies for the buyers. Yesterday morning as she is giving out our assignments for the yard sale she screams out "Focus People, this is business!" All I kept thinking was, hello? You are 6!

Last Sunday she got all dressed up to dance for us, with her cumbiambera dress that she got my aunt to send to her from Colombia...she looked beautiful and so proud of her heritage. She challenges me a lot because I have always been shy, maybe even tried to be invisible...and here comes this girl whose light shines so bright and energy is so strong there is no way but to follow her way and learn from her marvelous gifts.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

simply me

You know at night, when you are alone and it's all quite; when there is nowhere to hide and pretend...when all there is, is simply you...when no matter what external circumstances appear to be your essence is unchanged, your happiness intact. When the only thing in life that can move you to tears is love itself...that is where I am, that is simply me.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

one year later my sweet love...

One year later...yup it was one year a go that I bravely faced the day of taking you to your first day of kindergarten. You looked so tiny at your new school, I felt like I had to stay and protect you. I had to stay with you and let everybody know that you were unique and delicate and you had to be protected, treated tenderly. Of course I didn't get to do that. I took you to your classroom, your eyes were shining, you sat at your table, looked at me and said "mommy I think it's time for you to go." I took a thousand pictures and left, my eyes of course were full of tears. I have never tried to keep you all for myself, I have always had the believe that the more love you receive, bigger the gifts for your life. I was right, I am pleased to say that I have raised a bright, independent girl. Your bravery teaches me everyday. I left that day really sad because I felt like school was the first big step of letting you go. I wanted to keep you a baby forever and I also wanted badly to share that moment with someone (That is one bummer about divorce, you face all the big days of your kid's life alone) so I drove off crying.

Then the year was full of marvelous surprises and I felt so ready for first grade, then last Monday came and we were both so excited to get to school...then I left you there after taking pictures and being the only mom in first grade taking pictures with my eyes full of tears...I felt like I was loosing you once again. I wondered during the whole time if that was the way it was going to be every first day of school. I felt sad to let you go once again and felt sad to be living that moment alone...then I felt so privileged and blessed to be able to be there, to be able to be with you every first day of all your school years. YOU are so marvelous, so wonderful to love, and smell and share my life with, you are such a wonderful human being that I am certain that just the act of being there and experiencing life along your side its a blessing in itself; even if it means doing it alone.