Many times I go back to old posts to remind myself of different times in my life and to remind myself of decisions I had taken.
What I wrote last week has happened and once again he didn't do the work and he left me waiting. I was terribly sad, one part of me wanting to react horribly and punish him somehow for making me ache. Another part of me was just watching the whole time. I wanted to cry all day because I felt so helpless, because I felt it all slipping away.
I have held unto relationships longer than I should before, I have lived through endings and know what it feels like. I know I hold on until the pain of staying gets bigger than the pain of letting him go. And so that is where I find myself now. I hope I am not a quitter, I know I am a believer and truster (if there is such a word). I believe in surrendering to love and I believe in honesty.
I am through with manipulative love games. I am sick of playing all my 33 years. I want a REAL relationship, one in which I feel I have come home. My coach said that until I am truly available I will keep running into "unavailable" men...maybe it's true. I feel so ready- although I need to take a breather of all this romantic turmoil.
I am not saying that it is all over. I have never said that in any relationship because letting go opens the world to a multitude of possibilities and I still believe in miracles. I guess I just have to wait and see...
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