now

words calm my soul
they quiet my aching heart
they reach out to you now that you are gone

i know you are hurting
i know you miss my voice
i know you feel ready to say goodbye

we've never been on this road before
where love does not seem to paint our world
we might reunite to walk together once again

or we might have reached the end of our road

the road I have chosen...a world of possibilities

Many times I go back to old posts to remind myself of different times in my life and to remind myself of decisions I had taken.

What I wrote last week has happened and once again he didn't do the work and he left me waiting. I was terribly sad, one part of me wanting to react horribly and punish him somehow for making me ache. Another part of me was just watching the whole time. I wanted to cry all day because I felt so helpless, because I felt it all slipping away.

I have held unto relationships longer than I should before, I have lived through endings and know what it feels like. I know I hold on until the pain of staying gets bigger than the pain of letting him go. And so that is where I find myself now. I hope I am not a quitter, I know I am a believer and truster (if there is such a word). I believe in surrendering to love and I believe in honesty.

I am through with manipulative love games. I am sick of playing all my 33 years. I want a REAL relationship, one in which I feel I have come home. My coach said that until I am truly available I will keep running into "unavailable" men...maybe it's true. I feel so ready- although I need to take a breather of all this romantic turmoil.

I am not saying that it is all over. I have never said that in any relationship because letting go opens the world to a multitude of possibilities and I still believe in miracles. I guess I just have to wait and see...

blessings

A few weeks ago I wrote some sad words about a moment in my life. There were all true, all full of determination and good intentions then life had other plans... after a business trip that allowed me time on my own and some soul searching more challenges came. My reactions are always the same and then today I received an answer: it had been nearly 3 weeks since I went to Unity and today I went and to my surprise we had a guest speaker. A wonderful coach/minister/musician that taught lessons of self love and was giving a session in the afternoon about relationships. An answer to my prayers!

Normally I never go to afternoon sessions because I have Simone but today I was absolutely available to be there. Just perfect.

It was wonderful, it was funny and it was enlightening. I was reminded that what we see in others is a mirror of ourselves. Even what we hate in others. I was reminded that the only true answer is love. I learned that partnerships are spiritual and that we should (ideally) be with people who want to grow and be willing to do the work. I learned so many other things I can't even bring into words. I spoke to L a bit ago and had so much love for him. I truly want him to be ok and I am willing to be there and not run like I've done in the past. What capacity I will be involved in his life, I don't know but I will be there, if only as a witness. I know I can't do any of the work for him and that him not doing it may just mean the real end to any romantic involvement. I know there is a lesson here for me and if I live it bravely and being present and allowing his true soul to shine through then I have done my job. My soul feels complete. I am not expecting anything from him and that gives me so much peace.

The other relationship in my life, well I learned that for one, your marriage will never work if you have not weaned yourself from your parents (DUHHH...one reason I am divorced now!) Second, that we are just not supposed to live with our parents, it's just not natural. So I will manage this situation with love as well. I was blessed with a whole strategy popping into my brain and I am HAPPY!

I had been upset thinking how all this chaos was going to take place in my life, now I feel like I am really up for the challenge. I can do this with love, presence and acceptance.

So for all those that were worried, thank you. Your words and love are a blessing. I sometimes write more than I should, mostly because it's a therapy for myself. In writing I find healing and answers and there are always challenges in life. The only thing you can control is how much you are willing to suffer over them.

special sunday

Simone was baptized but if you ask her she will say it was her bath-patism. I have no desire to correct her. It was a wonderful and surprising day. We were blessed to share it with some of the people closest to our hearts. Other we missed...

Since a picture is said to be worth a 1000 words (and I am short on time) - I hope these 4 count as a really long post.

Our lovely Maia - Simone's Godmother.

wondering

If he is missing me as much as I am missing him?

UCHUVA

So we are setting up our Etsy store for online ordering and making rounds to our local customers. We are loaded with gorgeous goodies that will take your breath (and your money) away. It's all for a good cause as a percentage of every purchase will be donated to Carolina's Hope, a foundation raising funds for my 14 year old cousin's fryomalgia and lyme disease treatment.

what are you doing?

I feel so boring when people ask me this. I haven’t traveled much in the last year; my last vacation was over a year ago. I work 5 days a week from 7:30 to 4:00. I go to the gym about 2 days a week and work out at home a couple of days more. I recently took up Body Pump and love it. I read to Simone not nearly enough since she started reading on her own. I take her to ballet/tap class on Mondays and gymnastics on Thursdays. I download podcast of inspirational speakers and listen to them on my way to work or I listen to NPR. I watch TLC or Style if I watch TV…the only shows I watch are Dancing with the Stars and Jon and Kate Plus 8. I go to church at least 2 Sundays a month. I work on UCHUVA one evening a week and one afternoon on the weekends. I see my boyfriend one day a week but talk to him on the phone all day long. I do something entertaining at least one evening a week with friends or boyfriend and one evening with Simone. I don’t meditate or pray enough…or read enough and yet I feel as if I am busy all the time, tired all the time, have nothing really interesting to say when people ask me this and yet……I am never bored or unhappy. I really enjoy my life as is. I do want to meditate more and have at least 15 minutes of quiet every day and I want to do more yoga, invest more time in my education and travel more. I want to take walks or runs in the afternoon with Simone.

I have recently discovered that there is fear in me when it comes to traveling. I have not been able to pinpoint it exactly but is there…something new to work on.

So there, that is my life and that is what I am doing!

By the way, did you notice that 90% of my life revolves around my daughter….I hadn’t!